I'd like to say that there was some cathartic moment when I realized I didn't need to control everything. Truth is, I still do much of the time. The difference is, I've slowly learned what it feels like to not catch myself. Sometimes I fall into the arms of reassurance, of rest, of peace. Other times I fall flat on my back and feel the bullies of self doubt looming over me. On the best days, I fall and get back up; understanding that grace broke the fall.
In our yoga teacher training, we learned some mudras,or yoga postures for the hands. My favorite is the gesture of "unshakable trust". The fingers of the left hand interlace with the fingers of the right, and are placed, palms down on the heart. Used in meditation, this gesture holds great meaning and has offered me tremendous insight. I find that it increases balance, clarity and a sense of calm. It reminds me that we have choices when we're standing there, our backs to our "catcher". A gesture of unshakable trust empowers us to set aside our unrealistic expectations of ourselves. It invites us to consider that we're not in this alone, that there are human and divine arms waiting to catch us if we can close our eyes and allow ourselves to fall back. The hands held at heart center quiet the mind, challenging us to think and act with the heart; reveling in the feeling of unshakable trust...in our true selves, in our loved ones, in God. What a relief it is to let go.